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Melissa Smith aka Lakshmi's Journal [entries|friends|calendar]
Melissa Smith aka Lakshmi

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another year has gone by.... [02 Mar 2004|03:02pm]
Another year has gone by. I no longer live in the cottage. I bought a house with Charlie in Gloucester.
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1 year [25 Apr 2003|06:58am]
It has been over a year since I made an entry in livejournal. I am still with Charles and I still live in cottage.
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Been a couple weeks since I made an entry... [08 Apr 2002|05:06pm]
Well, I have managed to repaint 2 rooms in the cottage and do some reorganizing, rearranging, and general redecorating. The house looks good. Charles and I are broken up and I am ok. Avery has been here a bunch and that has helped.
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Letter [24 Mar 2002|07:30am]
I gave Charles a 9 page letter saying how I wanted to move on in life without him as a partner. I outlined our differences in views and changes. I said that maybe he could date me at another time if he was to become free. He got really upset by the letter and said he has been so stupid. He has called me numerous times saying he wants to re think things and make changes to move out of his marriage. I am just giving him the space tomake his changes without me being the reason or the focus. Meanwhile, I am doing pretty good. Not crying as much but still a bit depressed. I have had some good friends help me with advice and support.
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Vernal Equinox [20 Mar 2002|07:54am]
I feel the energy and change of the seasons. Saturn and moon conjunct opposing pluto which has gone stationary today. It is a day of transitions. I did really well for a few days. Felt strong, pretty, and relaxed. Last night, I became upset and hysterical and cried all night long. I tried to calm myself. I chanted, I did yoga, I built a fire, I ate dinner, and I tried to watch tv. There are many culminating emotions and hidden feelings bubbling to the surface like a volcano. I feel this is all good. I feel this is transforming me. Somehow I think I need to experience some of this so I can move on. I have health, strength, and intellect ...what should I do? Am I doing this right.
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After thinking for a day... [16 Mar 2002|06:00am]
If we are to look at our lives as a hero's journey where we triumph over the forces of evil...... then they say that life is a series of cycles, and that we will likely meet the same kinds of archetypal guardians, opponents and allies at various stages along the way.

So even if we know certain things about the patterning and cycles of our karma and lives, is it true that some times the patterning remians far after we want it to end. Doesn't it sometimes sneak up on us in little ways we least expect or foresee. I know I didn't have to date my old boyfriend again. Why did I do it? Because it reaffirmed my own lifeforce in an interesting way (at first). I had this feeling and I have had this feel for about 4 years that I am getting "to do" things over again and again. Here I am doing all the classic stuff I did in my 20's. I am in college, I dated the same man, my kids are grown, I live in a similar beach cottage house, and I have the same responsibilities as when I was in my 20's. It is like I cycled around to my youth and I am still young and vital enough "to go" for it again. Isn't this what life is about? I am not bitter and I have courage. I welcome the experiences, I did not fully "get" the first time around. It is giving me opportunity to learn again. What a great thing. What a great blessing. So I am a little idiotic about it sometimes...whatever. I am getting it little by little.

Sure I can psycho analyse my abandonments, disappointments, bad relationships, and screwed up life all over again and again and feel bad about it to the point I can hardly function but one thing I learned is that just cause you KNOW its there doesn't necessarily mean you can always avaoid it. Sometimes the only way to burn the karma is to experience the whole thing over again. Hey, it happens.
Sure..lets see.....
1. sexually abused by an uncle at age 7
2. parents divorced at age 13
3. Father remarried at 15, stepmother jealous and has me taken out of his realm
4. mother is experienced the 60's sexual revolution in full force at this time and there was a parade of men throughout the home
5. series of party girl adventures of the world wide traveling kind. Meetings with every kind of criminal, deviate, assholes, artists, drug addicts, gypsys, drug smugglers, amazing people, intellectuals, street people, musicians, sailors, and fishermen.
6. abandoned while pregnant at age 25 - had baby alone - haven't seen father since I was 8 months pregnant - raised baby in difficult situations till I married in 1984
7. Married a merchant marine who was gone (I was abandoned yet again) for 7 months a year. Had anoither baby (daughter). Felt very alone. Raise 2 children vitually alone. Merchant marine abused my son (the first baby) so I diviced him in 1996.
8. My son is gay, probably from having no good father figure. His father never once sent him a christmas present, a birthday card, or made any inquiry into his welfare. I tried to contact his family many times and even had a long standing communication with the father's mother. She even came and stayed at my home one summer but she never told "the father" she was in contact with me because "she was afraid he would be mad".
9. My daughter at 13 decided to live with her Dad and only visits me on weekends. I have a pretty good relationship with her now that she is 16 tho.
10. After I was divorced I had a boyfriend who fell in love with a neighbor and then forced me to sell my home and he kept the money (and married the neighbor). ALl this happened during my divorce so it was a double whamy.
11. I moved to a cottage in Rockport, my son moved out to his own place and my daughter to her Dad's so I lost my family living with me 4 years ago.
12. I decided to never have any other relationships again and work on school and career interests and help myself become a better person.
13. Ran innto Charles last summer and went sailing with him and rekindles a relationship that was on one hand beautiful, initmate, loving, and mature. On the other hand, Charles was separated but still very much involved with his wife and family. We love each other but I have become unwittingly embroiled in a codependent cycle of being the 3rd party in a bad relationship. does this echo the step mother thing or what? why on earth would this be comfortable for me. It is not. Do I get it , yes... did it happen.,..yes...must be for a reason......
14. I woke up this morning and the rumbling of thunder is above my head and the bay...rain on the roof. I am alone. I hear the ocean in the distance. My breakup migraine is fading and I go over the list of all my disappointments and abandonments in my head......
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Charles and I [14 Mar 2002|07:15am]
I had the most horrible night. Charles came over and got all his stuff and moved out. I went beserk. I was completely hysterical. I have done nothing but cry all night. It is over, he went back to his wife and he was really mean to me when he came to get his stuff. He had been at his lawyers and got scared. I guess there is no man, no wedding, and no love here anymore. I am destroyed. I guess shiva destroys everything that isn't love so if it wasn't love to begin with then it got destroyed.
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Charles moved in [08 Mar 2002|08:16am]
Charles came back from Florida on Tuesday and moved in with me on Wed. He decided during his vacation that he loved me and that he didn't want to live without me. I am naturally scared he will change his mind again but I love him so I am going with the program. I am afraid to feel happy on one level but on another I am thrilled. He hasn 't unpacked all his stuff so I think he still might leave. He asked me to a hockey game at Boston Garden on Saturday Night.
I went for a job interview at ATT Broadband where i used to work. Even though it is a step backwards, at this juncture, they have tuition reimbursal, insurance, and stock options. I feel I need the job to finiish college. Will I ever finish college? I feel like such a slow poke, I have been going to school since 1997 and I am nearing the end but there are always so many obstacles. I feel I should get a college degree for trying so hard! When I went to the job interview, they seemed concerned that I would graduate from college and "move on". Here I am almost 49 years oold. Please, let me move on if it happens. At this point it seems like I am going backwards on the career. My personal life seems improved as I have the man of my dreams deciding to live with me. God, he is wonderful. He was talking about taking a week long sail on his boat in July and asked me what week I wanted to go! Yes, I am so happy.
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I am in NYC [26 Feb 2002|06:41am]
I am in NYC for a few days visiting an old room mate from the 1970's who was and still is a wild and crazy gal. I am staying new Rockefeller Center. I took the train down from Boston which was wonderful. I rather enjoyed the trip. I may have a job working for her production company which produces TV commercials. She is going to put me on sales calls today and potentially I can do it from Boston. She and her partner said they will split and jobs I get for them and I will get 1/3. I might as well try. Why not. Charles went on a vacation with Miss Piggy so I am in limbo. I like the feel of NYC.
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Back from NYC - in the little house [19 Feb 2002|11:31pm]
Came home from NYC last night on train. Took train from Penn Station to South Station in Boston then took subway to North Station and train to Rockport. Called Avery on my cell and she picked me up in her car. Ben had left a message on my cell saying he wondered if I was back from NYC but I didn't talk to him. It was lightly snowing when I got to Rockport. I was happy to be home in the little house, ocean nearby, and watched the Grammys. Slept like a rock under the feather comforter. NYC was a gas. I had a ball, going to dinner with geri and her friends, cosmos at "Rain" (I saw Rosie ODonnel the talk show host there having dinner). It was a Thai restaurant. very good. I went ice skating at Rockefeller Center, what a blast. So great to see Geri's apartment in NYC on upper west side after all these years.. You know, I was remembering I used to call her from Santa Cruz Calif and chat sometimes from that house behind the vegtable market off of east cliff drive. She still lives in same apartment as when I was in Santa Cruz. She had all kinds of photos of me from the 70's. She had a photo of Robert (the guy in Paris) and I 1 hour before we sailed on a transatlantic sail. Just think, my life changed direction fantastically when I got off his boat in the Azores. Just think. Wow
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Back from NYC - in the little house [19 Feb 2002|11:24pm]
Came home from NYC last night on train. Took train from Penn Station to South Station in Boston then took subway to North Station and train to Rockport. Called Avery on my cell and she picked me up in her car. Ben had left a message on my cell saying he wondered if I was back from NYC but I didn't talk to him. It was lightly snowing when I got to Rockport. I was happy to be home in the little house, ocean nearby, and watched the Grammys. Slept like a rock under the feather comforter. NYC was a gas. I had a ball, going to dinner with geri and her friends, cosmos at "Rain" (I saw Rosie ODonnel the talk show host there having dinner). It was a Thai restaurant. very good. I went ice skating at Rockefeller Center, what a blast. So great to see Geri's apartment in NYC on upper west side after all these years.. You know, I was remembering I used to call her from Santa Cruz Calif and chat sometimes from that house behind the vegtable market off of east cliff drive. She still lives in same apartment as when I was in Santa Cruz. She had all kinds of photos of me from the 70's. She had a photo of Robert (the guy in Paris) and I 1 hour before we sailed on a transatlantic sail. Just think, my life changed direction fantastically when I got off his boat in the Azores. Just think. Wow
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Back from Paris [15 Feb 2002|08:03am]
Well, I got back from Paris on 2/12 in the evening after a little delay but nothing too bad. Charlie picked me up at the airport. I was not feeling well and it has taken me a couple days of laying low to start to get myself back together. It is good to be home. I have seen Charlie everyday since I have been home. His wife is now pressuring him to break things off completely with me. Neither of us want to disconnect. We are deeply in love. I don't know whats going to happen as she is saying to him "love me or I divorce you". He is feeling like "I don't love you but I don't like being coersed because of money, alimony, threats of divorce etc". He is a wreck and so am I. I wish he would just decide to leave her once and for all. She put the big screws to him yesterday with it being Valentines day and all. I could tell he was about to fall apart but was trying to hold himself together. I have so much studying to do with the Network Management and Organizational Management Course I am taking that I can't really focus on too much other stuff at this moment.. I just completed a difficult homework assignment today and I think I did well. I also need to do my taxes and fix my cell phone (which is broken) today. Well, back to normal at least.
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Feb 11 - Paris [11 Feb 2002|02:49am]
I am in such rough shape I can't tell you. Robert left to go to Italy yesterday and it got cold. There is no heat, the hot water is broken, and the toilet decided to fritz the hour after he left. I have a sore throat and no energy.
I really should have paid attention to myself when I wanted to come home a few days early. I have had a good time but feel like I have definately visited some nether regions. A french friend of Robert's offered to take me to lunch yesterday and we ended up going to the dirtiest, grimiest cafe you ever saw in your life across the street from sex shops. There was nothing, I repeat nothing I would eat on the tamastic menu. The smoke was enough to gag me but when I went to the toilet that was another story (we won't go there).
I finally had to insist we leave. I found a clean japanese restaurant with miso soup and a california roll. So much for the underlife of Paris. Everyone here smokes hashish mixed in thier cigarettes so yes it is this side of an opium den.
Last night after Robert left I had dreams that were like visitations from models past who told me thier stories in dream form one after another all night long.
I am coming home tomorrow and I can't wait to sleep in my own bed, have a hot shower, and drive mycar.
Things aren't completely bad though the french dancer friends of Robert's invited me take a bath today and have dinner with them.
Send me some good vibes. I need a lift. I have no incense and its impossible to clear the energy. I have been doing reiki and I think its the only thing that has kept me from further decents innto hell. Thanks - Love, Melissa
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Feb 11 [11 Feb 2002|02:46am]
I am in such rough shape I can't tell you. Robert left to go to Italy yesterday and it got cold. There is no heat, the hot water is broken, and the toilet decided to fritz the hour after he left. I have a sore throat and no energy.
I really should have paid attention to myself when I wanted to come home a few days early. I have had a good time but feel like I have definately visited some nether regions. A french friend of Robert's offered to take me to lunch yesterday and we ended up going to the dirtiest, grimiest cafe you ever saw in your life across the street from sex shops. There was nothing, I repeat nothing I would eat on the tamastic menu. The smoke was enough to gag me but when I went to the toilet that was another story (we won't go there).
I finally had to insist we leave. I found a clean japanese restaurant with miso soup and a california roll. So much for the underlife of Paris. Everyone here smokes hashish mixed in thier cigarettes so yes it is this side of an opium den.
Last night after Robert left I had dreams that were like visitations from models past who told me thier stories in dream form one after another all night long.
I am coming home tomorrow and I can't wait to sleep in my own bed, have a hot shower, and drive mycar.
Things aren't completely bad though the french dancer friends of Robert's invited me take a bath today and have dinner with them.
Send me some good vibes. I need a lift. I have no incense and its impossible to clear the energy. I have been doing reiki and I think its the only thing that has kept me from further decents innto hell. Thanks - Love, Melissa
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Rainy Morning Paris [08 Feb 2002|04:02am]
I stayed up late and logged into the 2 UML courses I am taking, Network Management and Management Organizational Behavior. The chats for these classes are both at the same times.
6-7pm on Thursdays so that means 12-1am in Paris. I slept in a bit as it is raining here this morning in Paris and I don't seem to have too much energy yet. I am halfway thinking of going to a museum today (something I haven't done yet) and tripping around in the galleries.
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Feb 7 - Paris [07 Feb 2002|11:00am]
I am writing this from a cafe on the Champs de Elysees. It is crowded and noisy but I have a seat by the window and I can see the way down to the arc de Trioumphe. Last night was super hilarity with Valerie, Robert, and Ellen. We had a lot of fun at the concert on the seine barge in the shadow of Notre Dame. I have to say that one of the best parts of the evening was the taxi ride through Paris with all the gorgeous architecture, lights, and people.

First off though I would like to descibe Valerie and her apartment.

She is about 5'6" with an upturned nose, shes 41 but looks 28, dark hair with a red tinty, bangs, assorted barrettes, and hairdo upswings. He skin is flawless and figure perfect. She must use a red pencil on her lips as they always stay colored a burgundy wine color. She has a quick smile and a lilting voice. She speaks english well, french and italian. The first thing I was told about her was that she "knew everyone" or it seems everyone knows her. Robert spends almost every night with her. He eats breakfast, lunch, and dinner with her. He goes back and forth between the cafe, her apartment, and his studio all day long. She is quick, friendly and has a light laugh. Her apartment is a one bedroom, cozy, and super chic. She has this wonderful french style and colorful touches around her place. Her front hall is painted red with a smal rough table for mail directly opposite the doorway. It has a red lamp with a matching red burlap lampshade the exact same color as the walls. On the left are hooks for a few coats and a wonderful picture frame keyshelf with a photo of this silly stuffed mouse she has and takes everywhere as a joke.
Her living room is painted deep red. There is a beige pillowed day bed, some low end tables
with candles and a huge dark wooden coffee table. There is a tall interesting curly que lamp and a few black and white and beige paintings. There is a wonderful bookcase , bureau armoir in a rough antique offwhite at one end of the room, There are books, bric a brac and a large cherub on the shelves.
Her bedroom is beige, low bed, trunck open with drawers and a huge wardrobe at one end.
There is a fully equipped bathroom with a wonderful bathtub, washer dryer, and nude painting of herself done by Robert last year.
The kitchen is compact and fully equipped.
We had some dips, bread, wine, cheese, cold cuts, and raspberries before going out for the evening.

When we got to the barge on the seine, Valerie knew the lead singer and his girlfriend. This is when she and Ellen told me that they both liked the lead singers girlfriend. This giel has thin hips, full lips, and intellectual type heavy framed black glasses. Apparently, they are girlfriends who both like girls. I can only imagine Robert at Val's house everynight as apparently Ellen lives there too! Two cute french lesbians with a nice apartment and he is the prozaced neighbor artist living in his studio rubble all too happy to visit and be friendly. A typical man's dream come true, no wonder Robert lives in Paris and speaks bad french. He told me liked the lifestyle. Now I see what that actually means. After, They tell me that they are girlfriends and like women, I look at Robert and say "They'll never believe this in Gloucester". He says, you sound just like Richard from the Church when he came to visit. He said the exact same thing.
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Feb 6 - Paris [07 Feb 2002|05:57am]
Last night Charlie called and he was still struggling and living with his wife. I told him in that case I wasn't coming home as he asked me to previously and that I am staying as planned till next tues. I was heartbroken and upset all night because of his yo yo tactics. I toyed with telling him I never wanted to see him again. The reason I didn't is because he said that the doctor gave him medication to calm him down but it takes a week to go into effect. Anyway, I am resolved to put him out of my head for the rest of the trip.

I did some homework this morning, then had lunch at the cafe with Robert and valerie. I had the salad bar and dessert which was this amazing apple pie. I went shopping , bought flowers, wine, water, chips, and dip. I also thru another load of laundry in the "lavage" or laundromat.

Robert, Valerie, Ellen, and I are going to a concert on a barge on the Seine River tonight. The barge is in the shadow of Notre Dame Catherdral so all very picturesque. Apparently the music is by the "French bob Dylan". Robert and I are going to Valerie and Ellen's first for a snack at 7:30pm.
Philip Laurent, Roberts studio partner came by and he was packing his photographic equipment for a trip to Santa Domingo. He rolled and we smoked several hashish joints (this is something I don't usually do but when in rome...) and we drank a bottle of wine. I am now encounced in the couch on one end of the studio where I put some end tables and a lamp. I have been here a week and now I am moving the furniture around and getting comfortable. Robert seems to like it. Well, look at it this way, at least I got a whole bunch of school work done today. I taught Robert the game Shainghai on my laptop. Its a game where you match patterns and tiles. He is crazy about it. Must be the artistic mind. I can only play 2 or 3 games in a row. He is playing over and over again. At least its a variation on the old route 66 he keeps playing over and over again on the piano.
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Feb 5 Paris - Continued [05 Feb 2002|02:18pm]
February 5, 2002 Paris Continued

I bought a book in an English bookstore (W.H.Smith) on the Rue de Rivoli called "The Looking Glass" by Michelle Roberts. It is written in a stream of conciouness style as well as a journal style. After reading "A Day Late and a Dollar Shirt" last week I am getting into the idea of doing a story that defines the characters and interrelationships using the characters mind, thoughts, and feelings. It really wouldn't hurt me to make up some characters and get into their minds with my writing. It appeals to me to do some writing everyday in Paris Cafes. Maybe I could call it "Paris Caf". I should make it provocative, dreamy, Neptunian, both oceanic and drugged, artistic, and intricate.

If I am going to write about a character like Robert then I better start by making some observations about him.
1. He is currently on Prozac which has slowed him down to playing his piano, keeping only one woman, going to the caf for breakfast/lunch/dinner, and playing games at the caf like pinball and backgammon.
2. He is taking this medication because of the breakup with his rich Italian wife named Patricia.
3. He is upset about his lack of contact with his 7 year old daughter Juliana.
4. Robert is crazy about this little girl. If he talks to her on the phone then his day is happy. He goes to Italy to see her 10 days out of every month.
5. His apartment /studio is this large dilapidated loft affair that reminds me exactly of his art sachool student digs at 16 Alper Road in Gloucester. He lived there in the late 60's and early 70's. Not much as changed except there are more painting of nude women, underwater paintings, fish swimming, and landscapes of Formentara.
6. He has a room mate named Beni Thutman who is currently away at his beautiful house in Formentara. I am sleeping in his room and his bed. I say to myself if he was to turn up unexpectedly that he would say in his swiss self accent "Whose been sleeping in my bed". Like one of the three bears who comes home and finds Goldilocks (that's me) in his bed.

Ok, enough of Robert right now.

I am actually starting to sleep deeply in Beni's bed. There is so much walking in Paris and lots of wine. Maybe this is helping me sleep well in spite of the emotional currents coming my way from Cape Ann (thanks to the Internet). Is it a curse or a blessing. Who knows.

I haven't been very easily calming down except for some deep sleep that's beginning. This thing with Charles has me strung out during the day. I am beginning to feel like I am being used in this horrible way for my energy. Kept on a string to play with and hurt like a kitten bats a ball of yarn. I am constantly grabbing at this string and participating in being played with and told loving lies at will.

Do I want this?
What is the Opportunity Here?
Where is my Light?
How can I let my light shine here?

I feel like on some level the light is used but never seen by Charlie. Its essence is perceived and then sucked out, thrown away, forgotten, and taken for granted.

If I was to present myself to the detective agency I saw advertised in neon off the Rue De Rivoli near the Lourve in Neon. If I was to walk into the detectives office and ask to speak with "Detective de Luc" and asked him for his detective advice. What would he say? Someone is stealing my light, my love, and my energy. I could tell you who it is and I can tell you how I play into the game. How I open myself up to love and Hurt.

What would the detective tell me?..

There is part of me that is thinking "out of the box" so to speak. Why does everything have to be all or nothing in the love Charlie department.

There is a flat screen TV here in the World Caf. There is a MTV video on now by the group "Puddle of Mudd". I have heard this song on the radio and immediately identified with it as what the energy of my relationship with Charlie has been lately.

I can't control you
I can't console you
I can't give you advice
You need me to feel you
I need to feel you
But I can't control you, nor do I want to
I love the way you smell
I love the way you slap me.. I don't know what the words are but foir some reason IT GETS ME!

Why am I pulled by these things?
Is it because I do not value myself enough? Often, I think I must be lucky to have any love I do. Is there a part of me that feels they must have any love they can get? Is there a part of me that says..oh it doesn't matter what or how it all happens..

I am tripping on a French word I see "Dejuener" Does it mean lunch?

Do I have multiplexed levels of conciousness to reach. Can I reach into my layers. Express them, move them, honor them, and move on?

How long can I sit in one place, direct myself, reveal myself, and exhibit myself?
What are my fears, who do I fear, what do I deny, ignore, and fight against?

I start wondering what BS Charles is going to tell his shrink today. What BS will he tell himself. What BS will he tell his wife. Is he nuts? Why do we love each other so much? How come it has to be so hard? Why does he think so little about hurting me. Why am I the easiest one to hurt? What about me makes me so easy to hurt. I must really be messed up. This movie has been playing a few times since the early 1970's with this guy.
I feel so happy when I think about being with him and living with him. I am destroyed when I think about us living apart. I hate it when we are broken up, apart, and he is living with his wife.

I got an email this afternoon when I got back from seeing "Notre Dame" and hanging in the World cafe that Charlie was going to speak to his shrink and call me later. My god, what is he going to do now?
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More Paris Journal [05 Feb 2002|01:28pm]
Jan 31, 2002 Paris Journal

Ok so if I want to go to the art store, I go upstairs past the metro "Lamarck" and there is an art store there on the left. Past the bakery and past Marcadet. The name is Adam's Art. The coffe I am drinking in this dark tall ceiling caf� is thick and black. I put in lumps of sugar and help them dissolve with a little spoon. Valerie and Robert drink coffee and look at newspapers. I think back to this mornings email. Tom Pulcinski, wrote that he had spent 3 weeks in Poland with his grandmother. He is now in Utah of all places helping his sister move. Then he is off to Oaxaca, Mexico where his wild friend Naim has purchased some land. The croscent I am eating is buttery and wrapped in twisted white paper. I think that it must be a chore for everyone to try to speak English to me all the time.

So I need a calling card and paper. I visualize Chagall floating over Paris and the Chimneys. Wine and coffee floating in the air. Words like Pardon, avec, merci, combine, and bonjour float in the sky and around brightly colored charkas emanating from my heart.

I wonder if Charlie will call or should I call him. Maybe that was him calling yesterday when I was being kicked off the internet. He has said he will be calling when he moves out from his wife.

Later I speak to Charlie in a phone booth. He has spent the night at my house. He has made the leap. He has moved in with me. Naturally, I feel happy.

Feb 1, 2002

Maybe Charlie is upset, depressed, or just plain crazy. What is the deal? Today he sent me an email that he was really struggling and did not know what to do�.This is after spending the night at my house.

I went down to the phone booth with 32 minutes on the phone card and called him.
First though, I couldn't dial the number correctly because I couldn't remember the correct country code. I had to run back up 5 flights of Robert's steep stairs to get my glasses so I could see the directions. Then I saw I must dial 00 - 1 - # to call the USA. So he answers in his business like voice "berry" as he works for a company called "Berry". He begins to tell me he is thinking of killing himself but he wants me to have a good time in Paris.
I practically scream at him, "How can I have a good time in Paris if I get emails like the one I just got." We decide he is going to go back to my house after work and call me. Apparently he never does because he spends the night with his wife and she makes arrangements for him to get a doctors appointment and medication the following Monday. I feel destroyed. The guy can't even spend one night away. All his intentions that he is ready to leave his wife, he loves me, and he can't live without me are just so much BS.

Feb 2, 2002


Today, I think a man was following me as I walked up and down and checked out the cafes on Boulevard Montparnasse. I was looking at which caf� had a window seat, was slightly busy, has a shrimp salad, and had some light in it. There are movie theatres every
where here and movies all say "version francaise". I have heard I need to find one that say Original Version and then it is in english. All I find is Harry Potter (seen it) and "The Others". Since Robert has been leaving me alone in his 5th floor studio most nights while he takes off with his girlfriends I don't particularly want to see a scary movie. I walk into a caf� and the man follows me and sits behind me. His eyes are following my every move as I order caf� and shrimp salad. He smokes and watches me.

Thinking back to last night and Valerie's Birthday Party (Valerie is Robert's girlfriend). My clothing is all smelling of smoke. The caf� was the first stop where we had multiple bottles of champagne. Valerie included the owners of the caf�, the patrons, neighbors, some dancers, Robert, myself, Valerie's mother, and cousin. There was also a blond French porn star attending. I would have thought she was Robert's girlfriend as she looked just like one of his old girlfriends years ago in art school. A gal named Barbara Wolf. Apparently, she does live sex shows near the Moulin Rouge, nude models for Robert, and was a former mistress of his as well. I was informed that one of the paintings he did of her is in the erotic museum of art. I took some photos with the digital. Maybe I can figure out how to put them on livejournal.

Later after the champagne at the caf�, we took a taxi to a restaurant. There was myself, Valerie, her other friend Valerie, Ellen, and William. I had some mackeral pate on toast, smokes salmon soup w/ chives, a flounder with a green onion chive sauce, garlic mashed potatoes, and crepe suzettes for dessert. What a treat. Everyone spoke non stop French. I think I understood a lot of it. I asked what some words ment by saying Ques que ce ____?

I feel like a kind of a giant looking person here. Everyone is so small next to me. I suppose if I stayed here long enough I would shrink a bit.

The man behind me is still watching my every move here at the caf� in Montparnasse. I am now eating a shrimp salad with way too much mayonnaise on it.

Later, I quickly pay and run out of the caf�. I duck down quickly into the Metro which is the underground subway system. The man does not follow me of if he does he can not find me in the maze of trains. The stalking spooked me some and I watched my behind all the way back to Montmartre.

February 5, 2002

I saw a sign on a street off the Rue De Rivoli that said "Detective de Luc". It was in neon and over a Japanese Restaurant. I took a photo but I am not sure if it came out. Today, I was walking walking walking, crying crying, crying over that Charlie Abbott. He called me last night and said he was going to move out of his house again and into my house. He was going to call me at Robert's when he got there to let me know. He asked me to come home early. He was all lovey, dovey speaking of our future as a couple and how happy we would be.

This morning, since he did not call during the night, I do not know what to do. If I want to change my ticket to come home perhaps on Thursday, I have to take the metro to the center of Paris to the Air France office at the Champs de Elysee. I call Charlie at the payphone in the square with a quickly purchased phone card. I become unglued in the phone booth and start screaming at him all kinds of names and saying he is playing with me like a cat and mouse. He says he went home and dinner was ready so he stayed and ate as he was tired. I hang up on him once and then call him back. I am screaming at him and crying. He is saying "oh baby don't cry". He got some medication from the doctor. I have got to assume he started taking it and now his wife can lead him about by the nose and he won't be able to think for himself. Well, that's it I decide. No going home really early for this guy. He can stay, he can go. I am staying in Paris one more week just like I planned. I can do my writing, some art, walking, and take in the sites. I am still very upset and cry as I get on the metro. I guess this is more than a good indication of what a jerk this guy is or how screwed up this situation is at this moment. Last night on IM, my friend Jim Noonan suggested I should just stay in Paris and write this stuff down. He said that my descriptions of Robert and his models, girls, and Paris are fabulous. This sounds like a good idea to me.

At this moment, I am in a place called "The World Caf�" near the Opera in Paris. I ordered pizza and a beer. Pizza Margarhita and a Heinekin to be exact. I thought the pizza might ground me after my hysterical phone conversation with Charlie. I got on the metro not knowing where I was going or what I was doing. I should just put that man out of my mind.

I am planning on staying in Paris till next Tuesday - Feb 12. Let the chips fall where they may. I will be working on my homework and my story.
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Paris journal from last week [05 Feb 2002|11:57am]
Jan 30, 2002
Paris

I am sitting in a little caf near the Eiffel Tower and I just ordered lunch. Onion Soup, Chicken Salad, and Wine. When I ordered the wine the waiter asked if I wanted petit or Grande. I said petit and the wine came in this adorable little pitcher. The name of the restaurant is "Brasserie de la Tour Eiffel. My plan is to go to the top of the Eiffel Tower after lunch. I took the metro to the "Place de Concorde" and then walked all the way down the Quay d'Orsay to the Eiffel Tower. I took some detours and meandered around some side streets. I walked for over 1 hour before getting to the Eiffel Tower. I was glad to find this little caf where the waiter is friendly. There are photos on the wall of the Eiffel Tower being built. Outside the caf there is so much traffic. The air quality is bad but the sights and sounds are wonderful.

The onion soup arrives and it is delicious. I only had coffee for breakfast so I was hungry. I am thinking it's about 7:35am in Boston and I am wondering if Charlie is reading one of my emails. I am in a cold sweat about the outcome of the couples counseling last night. Did he say his piece? Will he be coming to Paris? Will I have a man in my life? Will he choose to be with me? Once he is with me will he be happy?

You know, I don't usually even like wine and I am loving the wine I am drinking in this caf as I consider my future with the man I love. I am loving the little wine glasses and the potatoes in the salad. I am loving sitting down after all that walking.

The chicken salad arrives as the waiter says "Voila" and Bon Appetit". He has checked 2 times to see when I have finished my onion soup before he brings the salad to the table. I am loving this service. The chicken salad is so huge I can not eat it all. Maybe I ate too much of the basket of bread.

I wonder how much this will cost? As I sit I was others in the caf talk animatedly with cigarettes in their hands and fast paced French. Geez, even the cigarettes smell so good. What is all of this about, the wine, the cigarettes, and the little wine glasses all seem particularly sweet and adorable. I love the little coffee cups and sugar cubes. This must be the feeling of Paris.

After lunch, I order a "caf". I consider that the friend (Robert) I am staying with in Paris has a bath tub. I can't wait to take a bath. He said he would buy a bath tub stopper. I wonder how to say bath tub stopper in French? I have to start saying "Oui" instead of "yes" and "Merci" instead of Thank-you. Last night I learned from Robert's girlfriend Valerie that when someone says "Merci" to you (as Valerie and Robert said to me after I bought them dinner) "Avec Pleasureee" . If you really want to thank someone a lot you say "merci beaucoup". That is what the waiter said to me when I gave him a tip.

The ride to the top of the Eiffel Tower was in 2 different elevators. I took some photos and looked like an eagle over Paris. I was looking for the Arc de Triomph but never spotted it from the top.

The walk back to the metro by the "Place de Concorde" did not seem as long as when I went to the Eiffel Tower. When I took the Metro back to the Monmartre section of Paris where Robert lives I felt like I was home. Everything looked quaint and sweet. The shops and people all look old fashioned and slightly poor. It reminds me of days we will never see again in the USA.

I stopped by the market and bought some more wine and water. I also got some already prepared crepes and butter for the maple syrup I brought Robert. He only has a microwave and no stovetop. I plan on having them for breakfast.
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